How NOT to seduce a TV game show selection team with your obvious lack of emotional warmth/sob story/stage presence/general knowledge skills

Livid is not the word. I am fucking S-C-R-E-W-I-N-G. 

In fact, I am that consumed with self loathing at the moment that even my computer hates me. 

Why is it, that when I finally decide to sit down at the computer and actually write something, does my PC (my keyboard especially) decide to become a mortal enemy and become a complete pain in the arse?

Anyway, forget that. 

I don’t know what I’m more mad about. Spending a whole morning sweating, obsessing and feeling extremely inadequate not to get shortlisted or the fact that my friend’s sister (who happened to be at the same audition) did get selected.  

I scored the highest in the quick fire quiz, with none of the other candidates managing to beat my score.  I did relatively well on the general knowledge quizzes but quite a few questions threw me. Despite this, when my name wasn’t called out for shortlisting, I was absolutely devastated (well, my ego was).

I’m not sure if the reason I didn’t get picked was because I hadn’t screen tested well (which only reinforces my insecurities about how I look) or the fact that I had said that I would spend my winnings on Botox, teeth whitening and a facelift rather than a honeymoon, sabbatical in Mauritius or a new kidney.  

Although I could also be overlooking the obvious, I suppose. That I’m not as bright as I think I am. 

But, despite not being shortlisted, I must harness and utilise the knowledge that I’ve gained via my ‘game show application process’ experience. 

I now know that despite what my moral compass tells me, taking a peek around me at other peoples answers before I rush in head first, could ultimately have its benefits when push comes to shove. 

I also know that I need to have a toy boy fifteen years my junior, an ambition to build a Formula 1 car or be in the RAF to qualify as an interesting person. 

I need to know the many names of cloud formations, the national population of Mozambique and what Prêt-a-Porter actually isn’t. 

I need to know the full character cast of the West Wing, have a degree in ‘Look what a clever bastard I am’ studies and to have once been a neighbour of one of the Beatles. Oh yeah - being an ex-contestant on an old 90's game show evidently has its advantages.

So, post-audition, I’ve done what only a raving lunatic would do. I’ve emailed the Auditions Team for feedback on my audition. Christ knows what they’re thinking now. What a raving lunatic I am probably. 

Anyway, feedback or no feedback, it’s got to be onwards and upwards to the next game show application for me then, hasn't it? 

And, as my good ol’ Nan’s (bless her soul) old toilet roll holder used to say: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again.”

And I will do Nan. I will.