The Facebook Wedding Photo you DON'T want to see

Facebook is a fucker. 

Here you are innocently drifting through pages, flicking through walls, when law and be-fucking-hold, there pops up a picture of someone you once knew very well in an image that you wish he would have rather not. 

  

Oh my fucking God.  What the fuck? 

  

How on earth can a knobhead like him end up in fairytale wedding photos that I’ve coveted all my life? 

  

Fucking black and white arty prints, looking all wistful and dreamy like – nowt like the fucking wassock that he really is, the shit.

  

This man, looking all moody and handsome like in his posh boy little wedding attire is the same man who shoved his dutty shitty pants underneath my mattress to hide them from me and got hit over the head with a hammer from some fella passer-by because he tried to rob some poor fucker for their mobile phone one night. 

  

I mean I’m all for Karma but WHAT THE FUCK?

  

Karma most definitely IS a man – and a fucking shady one at that.

Relationships - 0 v Rusty Pin in the Eye - 1

Dear Spineless Twat, 

Thank you for luring me into a false sense of security and then dropping me from a great height into a big pile of dogshit.

  

Thank you for your ignorance, insensitivity and selfishness, which you obviously couldn’t hide any longer and which manifested itself perfectly to show me what an absolute cunt you really are.

Thank you for reminding me that there is a fucking good reason that I am happier single.

Thank you for helping me to realise that I shouldn’t listen to what’s being said on a date but to pay more attention to what isn’t.

Thank you for reassuring me that the reason I wear full body armour 24/7 is to protect myself from snakes like you.

What the 2015 Election bullshit DIDN'T tell you . .

So basically the Tories got in because:

A)   Labour failed to reconnect with it's true working class identity.

B)   The fringe parties didn’t even get a look in due to a perverted, defunct and outdated voting system.

C)   British people are so sick of political bullshit and skullduggery that they didn’t even bother voting at all.

The media won’t tell you what this actually means for us, the ordinary UK citizen now the Tories are in control (on their own, don't forget!) so you really, really do need to read this. 

And this is just a little snapshot of the chaos to come, I’m afraid.

Although, if you've got a few bob tied up offshore somewhere. . . Don't worry, you (unlike us) will be absolutely fine. 

Tory Cuts: As Bad as we Feared

When the Chancellor, George Osbourne, refused to detail in the budget what observers estimated as £12Bn of cuts required for his plans for the next parliament to work, we all knew the likelihood was the Tories were going to trash disability benefits again. Those cuts have now leaked, and they are everything we feared.

The proposed cuts (with 'savings' per annum where known) are:

Industrial Injuries Compensation Scheme: companies to be made to pay instead. Of course this then puts the onus on the injured party to sue their employer when they refuse to pay out. They're supposed to use an insurer, but consider the history of Unum Provident and their 'disability denial mills'. £1Bn

Carer's Allowance to be restricted to people eligible for Universal Credit. 40% of carers to lose eligibility at a stroke. £1Bn

Contributory Employment Support Allowance (ESA) and Contributory Job Seeker's Allowance (JSA) to be means-tested, meaning 300,000 families losing £80 a week (and then you get to a year and lose everything through time-limiting). £1.3Bn (Edited to add:) The Institute for Fiscal Studies have pointed out this effectively means the abolition of cESA and cJSA, all unemployment claims will be treated on basis of the means-tested basis of Income-Based ESA or JSA, meaning your National Insurance contributions mean nothing.

Disability Living Allowance, Personal Independence Payments and Attendance Allowance to be taxed. £1.5Bn

Council Tax Support merged into Universal Credit.

Child Benefit only for first two children. £1Bn

Regional Benefit Caps to be introduced. Cameron already wants to cut the maximum benefits payable from £26,000 to £23,000, under this proposal only those in London would get that amount, the rest of the country would get less.

Words courtesy of David G @

http://wheresthebenefit.blogspot.co.uk/

Muslim misogyny and how it can kiss my arse.

I am fucking sick to the teeth of Muslim men.

If they’re not trying to condescend me, they’re trying to send me and equality back into the fucking dark ages. 

Take tonight for instance. Nice taxi driver. Until I tell him that he’s in the wrong lane for where I want dropping off.

‘You women. You wouldn’t understand if I told you.’

‘Try spelling it out for me then?’ I said. ‘Maybe being a silly, stupid woman, I may surprise you and understand what nonsense you’re talking about eh?’

To which he mumbled something in whatever language he chuntered off in (probably something insulting to women nonetheless) and gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the journey home.

As we pulled up outside the door, the meter said £5.40.

I gave him a fiver.

‘Be grateful that I’m only underpaying you 40p.’ I said to him. 

‘In your culture, you suppress women.  But In my country, women help pay your wages so have some fucking respect.’

Boring Old Fart – 0 Thrill Seeking, White Knuckle Supermum – 1.

It is imminently looming that my kiddies will no longer be so ‘little’ anymore (they start Secondary School this autumn) and whilst kicking and screaming while I do so, I will have to reluctantly adapt to these dramatic changes. 

So, as I see it, this year will be our ‘last’ pre-teen Spring/Summer together as a ‘young’ family so I am determined to make it as memorable as possible for us all. 

  

The poignancy is that I am soon to become my children’s mortal enemy No#1 when they hit full blown adolescence so it’s absolutely imperative that my children have a multitude of happy memories of me when they eventually do look back and appreciate their childhood.

  

And today absolutely nailed it.

  

It ticked every single box despite nearly being wrote off as a non starter at 7 o’clock this morning.    

Shit weather and shit reviews.    

Both, luckily, completely misplaced. 

  

We had such an amazing day at Drayton Manor.

  

Today I really, really recognised just how my influence as a parent and teacher to my children has truly empowered them. Today my kids reflected those teachings right back at me by showing just how carefree and courageous they really are.

  

And today, they both put me to shame Goddammit.

  

I have ALWAYS been an adrenaline junkie and I love, love, love Theme Parks, white knuckle rides especially.  But as I’ve got older, eye-watering heights and hanging upside down with just the support of one measly T-Bar on four bolts for prolonged periods of time (especially with my kids sat at the side of me) freak me the fuck out.

  

However, give me a high speed roller coaster and I’m a sucker.  The G-Force roller-coaster was going to be a fucking walk in the park then surely.

  

Er, no.  Fucking forget that.

  

As the carriage made the initial climb, all was fine and dandy until we started to crawl at snails pace upside down and around the inside of the loop, practically hanging out of our seats as we did so.

  

My son started screaming, ‘I’m falling out Mummy, help me, I’m falling out’ and I started to panic.

  

I grabbed hold onto his arm and shouted across at him (my eyes clasped firmly closed) ‘You’re alright darlin, you’re alright ’.

  

Needless to say, he’d recovered by the second loop because it’d picked up speed by then so he was shouting ‘Awesome!!!’ as we whished and curled through a succession of loops, twists and turns but I on the other hand, didn’t recover to enjoy the rest of the ride.   

I was a fucking nervous wreck.

  

I managed to compose myself by going on the swing boats and carousel afterwards but was itching to know what the mahoosive roller-coaster was at the far end of the park and whether the kids (and me!) would have the bollocks to ride it, especially after the last one.

  

Turns out it was a stand up coaster and I’d never done one of them before so I was well up for it and so was my daughter.  

  

My son, bless him, sensibly declined – opting to watch my handbag instead.

  

I fucking shit my knickers.  I didn’t open my eyes all the way through.  All I heard throughout the ride was my daughter screaming ‘Wicked!!!!’   All I saw was the back of my eyelids.

  

Next stop?  Apocalypse.  Jesus Christ. 

  

Dragged up into the air on a hydraulic column so you can practically see Calais and then dropped into free-fall. The only voice you could hear coming back down sixty thousand miles into cold concrete was mine. 

The two white knuckles we did opt out of were Maelstrom and Pandemonium. 

  

We’ve done ‘Freak Out’ (which is pretty similar to Maelstrom) at the local fair and my son hated it.

  

I spent the whole ride praying to God and frantically trying to reassure my son that the ride would soon be over.  It wasn’t.  It went on forfuckingEVER the twats.

  

Pandemonium was a hang upside down; write your will quick smartish type of ride so again, we sensibly declined.

  

We did every other ride though, except Thomasland. The kids drew a firm line at that.   

  

Although my son did want to pay a visit, just to knock over the Fat Controller for being horrible to Harold the Helicopter once, apparently.